By Drake Weissman
Josh Gordon: You may know him from his flashy cars, or maybe for his dope haircuts, or possibly because he led the my-fantasy team, the Josh Gordons, to the first round of the playoffs last year, or that he’s simply OP in Madden. It couldn’t possibly be the reefer.
Before I reward you with his exceptional drug abuse record, he says he “ain’t got a problem, homie” because he “ain’t addicted, my son.” First, during his sophomore year at Baylor, Gordon and his brotha’ Willie Jefferson got nabbed by the police for falling asleep outside a Taco Bell with a CHILL AMOUNT of kush. Next July, his stiff of a coach Art Briles suspended him for another positive drug test of some of that ganja. Not until 2012 did the Cleveland Greens draft Cash Gordon in the second round of the supplementary draft. In 2013, the league burglarized the first two games of his season, but JG still led the league in receiving yards and did a lot of other dope stuff (not a weed joke, see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fD7aJ3LY65c) that earned him a Pro Bowl selection and a warm spot in all of our hearts. Then, over the summer of 2014, “money-stacks” Gordon got a DUI that led to several suspensions and fines among other things. After a repeat offense for bud, “Swag-City” was once again suspended, but this time for nearly the entire season. Before the final game of the season, after a long night of partying with Johnny Football, “currency-acquirer” did not show up for practice and was, once again, dismissed from the final game of the season.
But, you know what they say: America’s the land of 7th chance. You can already see the headline: the guy that lost all respect from the media, but still has hella talent, comes back and scores mad touchdowns. Okay, they’d probably word it differently; however, following the rules is not part of this man’s repertoire. So, he got mega-wasted and threw his career down the toilet.
Whatever, I’m still drafting him first round next year.
disclaimer:drugs are bad