By Drake Weissman
Legarrette Montez Blount… I think the name says it all. This guy has the turn-up ability of any running-back in the NFL and his last name, ironically, is Blount. Coming into the AFC championship game, undoubtedly the most important game of his career to date, he had one goal in mind: getting to the superbowl with some feather-weight footballs. In the process, he managed to sneak into the endzone for three touchdowns and racked up 148 yards on the ground. A fiend to say the least.
Now, for the breakdown of his performance. In the first quarter, after a muffed punt from Josh “butterfinger” Cribbs, Tom Brady and the Ganja marched down to the Colts’ 1-yard line. At this point, Belichick knew it was time. After consulting soul-mate Tom Brady, Belicheat instructed the offense to run the ball to their star marijuana enthusiast. Once the play was called, the defense could only watch and hope not to be smothered by the running back with the game’s best right hook. And just like that, Mr. Blount had himself his first touchdown of the day. He then proceeded to “chillax” for the rest of the half as a result of excess swag and dehydration.
After awakening from a dream with Bob Marley and the Jamaican Bobsledding Team, Legarrette and his dreadlocks decided they were once again ready for action. So, he called out to “homie Darrelle” who immediately intercepted an Andrew Luck pass and returned it 30 yards in honor of Blount. Following a quick salute to “homie Darelle,” Blount once more prepared to obliterate his opponents. He took the ball and began his 13-yard journey effortlessly into the endzone, waving hello to his mother in the act. It was not until he was confronted by Brady that he realized he now held the Patriots franchise record in playoff rushing touchdowns with 6.
In the 4th quarter, his number was again called to score the Patriots a much-needed touchdown (just kidding about the much-needed part). Blount lined up, hoping to eclipse the plane of the endzone for a third time. He received the ball from his quarterback and, to the surprise of nobody, danced in for another touchdown. The run marked his 148th rushing yard of the day, putting him up there for the 2nd-most in Patriots postseason history. What a day for the Oregon graduate.
Disclaimer: drugs are bad.